Relational therapies go by many different names.  The most common ones being Marriage Therapy, Couples Therapy, Divorce & Mediation Therapy, Couples Counseling & Marital Counseling.  And you may be understandably wondering to yourself what the differences are between them.  They really are quiet similar in process, but you may have guessed that the focus will be different for every relationship that walks in the door.  You won’t get a different service if you ask for couples therapy versus couples counseling.  You also wouldn’t be wrong or incorrect by asking for couples therapy if you’re married.  If you’ve made it to this point, read on to understand more about how I will work with you and your partner. For simplification, I will refer to all paired relationships as couples in the following paragraphs.

Common issues among couples include frequent arguments, verbal aggression, emotional defensiveness, excessive reactivity, anger, yelling, infidelity, addictions, inability to communicate, power struggles, intimacy stressors, personal traumas that affect the couple, separations/divorces, recent psychological/medical diagnoses, new situations or recent changes.  No matter what brings you in we will take the time to understand your circumstances thoroughly.

There are a few fundamentals that you and your partner should understand as part of the agreement to beginning couples work.  It may look overwhelming at first, but rest assured that we’ll talk about them as needed if something comes up.  We’ll also talk about these throughout the course of treatment and I can elaborate more when it’s appropriate to help you each learn and understand their importance. Here are some of them:

• It’s important that each person shows up willingly and without coercion from their partner.  It’s okay to want a better relationship and to feel like you’re in the room to help the other person…but you must acknowledge your separate responsibilities to the relationships deterioration, as well as it’s health and well-being going forward.
• You acknowledge that you both want something by entering therapy for the health of the relationship.  We will spend a lot of time developing the goals, wishes and desires for you as a couple.  So, you don’t have to know exactly what you want when you enter the room.  Just know that along the way, I’ll be checking in by asking if you’re getting what you want from your partner in therapy.  This is hard work and takes perseverance; it’s always easier to walk away.
• You each acknowledge your honest investment in working openly, transparently and without secrets together in the room.  It doesn’t help the relationship by doing more of what may have hurt you getting to this point.  Also, you won’t be alone in this.  Many couples struggle with figuring out how to ask for what they want and how to discuss sensitive matters without over-reacting; I’ll be helping you both along the way.
• It’s important to be understanding that change in relationships takes time.  While all couples change at different rates you can expect that the beginning work will be slow and is often the most difficult.  Early in therapy I’m asking to hear your stories at length, asking for many details along the way so that I can fully understand what’s happening and how to help you to create something different.  That leads me to the next point…
• Creating change in your relationship belongs to the couple.  What you do after sessions, between sessions and before our next session is what matters.  During sessions, we’ll talk about many things and I’ll offer my feedback, observations, interpretations and perspectives on what may be keeping the relationship blocked from working at it’s full potential.  As the therapy progresses we may do some exercises to help you experience something new as a couple.  But it’s up to you and your partner to apply those new learned strategies and thoughts along the way.  Progress isn’t perfect and there will be more ups and downs in our work, but it’s important to stick with it if you want things to improve.
• Sessions are scheduled weekly at the same time and last only 45 minutes so it’s important that you don’t miss.  Before we start, you and your partner should agree that these sessions are your priority. You are expected to plan accordingly.  Exceptions are made for emergencies, natural disasters, holidays, planned vacations.  If there is something else that will prevent you from attending your appointment be sure to discuss it in advance. 

The points above are an accumulation of learned agreements that set the best stage for success.  With those fundamentals mostly in place, the couple is then free to move into the deeper matters that are keeping things stuck.  Those matters will all get discussed at length during sessions.